WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
