we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
