You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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