So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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