too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
