NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
