just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
