I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
