closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
