Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
