I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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