I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
and you fell through a lawn chair
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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