i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
