Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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