I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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