I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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