I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There r osticjed everywhere
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
