My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
