anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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