that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
