So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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