Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
