she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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