Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
