My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
