i just sent this text using only my big toe
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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