were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
