So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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