I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
