you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
