That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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