I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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