anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
