I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
