Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Send help, water and tortillas.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
