he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Green mimosas i think yes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
