I met the friendliest cop last night
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
