My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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