I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
