My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
