I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
ok first of all what the fuck
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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