me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
