I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
