When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
