I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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