I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
