hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
