Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
