Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
