the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You are a genius and a whore.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
