Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
